Harvey
One of the saner choices on this list, Harvey starts us off grounded. He's a great conversationalist, passionate, intelligent, and he has his own hobbies. He'll give me alone time, then report back about his day over dinner. He takes care of our pets, greets me with a kiss every morning, and doesn't mind that I have a crush on Marnie. Sure, his bedtime is a little earlier than mine, and he still makes me pay for doctor's appointments... but I love him terribly. I adore how easily he flusters, and his nerdy little glasses and tie. He's one of the older bachelors in Pelican Town, and I admire his maturity. Some might say I have a type.
Stanford Pines
Theres nothing I love more than a huge fucking nerd. Ford Pines is such a fantastic checking of all of my boxes. Competent, pathetic, knows his way around a litany of weapons, hardened but idealistic, yearning for something he may never be able to grasp. I love Ford because he's not perfect. He's got a narcissistic streak, he has trouble with empathy, but he still tries his best to be a good role model. Plus, he's got an extra finger, which I point out not for naughty reasons but because I have a thing about being on the "inside" or "outside" of a hand-hold, and this ensures my pinky and thumb would never be lonely. He also wears a cozy sweater... good for cuddling.
Van Hohenheim
Putting Hohenheim after Ford should explain most of the appeal here vis-à-vis his Dwarf in the Flask complex. Besides that, he's a force for good with a dark secret and guilty conscience. He's a powerhouse brought to tears by a child. I love him for so many reasons, but they are all spoilers and I really, really love Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood so I'll leave it at this:
He's saddled with so much responsibilty and handles it incredibly well, while also fucking literally everything up the moment he gets comfortable. I adore him. He is the unluckiest man in the entire world.
Spamton G. Spamton
I genuinely don't know what takes over my body when I encounter this fucking thing but it makes me mentally stupid. Did I and the average Spamton Sweepstakes participant have vastly different experiences of the whole event? Probably. But personally, I delighted in being financially dominated by this freak of nature. I do however owe everyone in my life an apology for the man I became in those 24 hours. It was as if someone crawled in my head and replaced my brain with wool. He is objectively ugly and stupid. He's like if a spam email was Willy Loman.
I think I need an exorcism.
Roy Mustang
Roy is always one step ahead.
Part of why I love him is that he is such an obvious sap once you can read him. He's a selfless, loving person, and he's overly hard on himself. He doesn't mind taking all the heat if it means he can manipulate a situation to benefit his loved ones.
Don't get me wrong, I love his asshole persona as much as his ooey-gooey center. I think he takes genuine pleasure in feigning arrogance and pushing people's buttons as much as possible. But it's clear in his tone-shift when shit hits the fan that he's both incredibly serious and competent.
Anyway he's so mean :( I want to put him down like a dog.
Wade Wilson
First of all, I'd like to formally apologize about the rest of this list.
This is about comics Deadpool specifically. Movie Deadpool is great and all, but his thighs aren't nearly big and skull-crushing enough.
I think we all understand that Deadpool was made in a lab to be the world's most unifying sex object, but god. There is just something so appealing about a big hunky piece of meat that can't die. The leather and big chunky boots help...
I could say more. Much more. But it would be incriminating.
Mark Grayson
What was I saying about a piece of meat that can't die?
Mark's at his best when he's at his worst. He truly deserves to be happy, but unfortunately it's just much more fun to watch him suffer. Season 3 is where this hits its peak, with him trying and failing to avoid becoming his father. Seeing him struggle with his inner turmoil is almost as enticing as his outer turmoil.
Some people are just meant to be angry and hot and covered in blood.
I've gotta say, there's also something deeply appealing about someone who could kill you without trying, but holds back even while being tortured. It's like he likes it or something. :P
Nolan Grayson
"His redemption arc makes this fine, actually."
"Unfortunately I am very attracted to Omni-Man despite his ideology just because of his gruesome acts of thoughtless violence."
- sentences thought up by the utterly deranged.
Listen, man, listen. If you don't see it, I don't think I'll be the person to convince you. Just be warned, if you think this is bad, you won't like what's next. Also he's voiced by JK Simmons, who voices Ford. Not my fault. It's just not my fault! Look, I'm a simple man. I enjoy all of life's simple pleasures.
Sometimes those pleasures include death!
Wrath
Just this one scene.
Just the one scene.
Is that really so bad?
Look at his waist-to-hip ratio here.
Can you blame me?
Look, if you're gonna be a cold-blooded killer, I think we can all agree that you should just try to look a little less slutty.
On a separate note, I love his english voice actor, Ed Blaylock's, performance. It's just the perfect old man voice, warm and sympathetic, a little gravelly, but can turn icy when it needs to. This is not related to my attraction to the character. I just always get sad Blaylock's not around anymore.